


Women's Things

by distant_rose



Series: Little Pirates [28]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Awkward Dads dealing with their daughter's period, Dad Killian, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Menstruation, Period Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-06 22:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12827793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distant_rose/pseuds/distant_rose
Summary: With his wife away, Killian Jones has to deal with his eleven-year old daughter’s first period by himself.





	Women's Things

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I’m not dead. I’m just busy. There’s a lot of things I have in the works, I just gotta finish them. My life has kinda been taken over by law school, CSLB and other nonsense, but winter is coming and with it comes winter break. Hopefully I will get a lot of crap done during that time and maybe even finish A Once and Future Thing. But until then, enjoy this LP garbage. In this fic, Harrison is 15, Wes is 13, Beth is 11 and Neddy is 7. Enjoy Daddy!Killian awkwardness!

“Dad,” seven-year old Neddy Jones said with a hint of impatience. He was staring at his father pointedly and doing what Killian considered to be a startling impression of his mother with his hands resting on his hips, lips twisted into a deep frown and eyebrows set low.

Killian glanced up from his book and looked at his youngest with raised eyebrows. Without even looking down, he dog-eared the page and closed his book. Whatever was bugging Neddy, Killian was sure it was going to take up a bit of his time. The child had a habit of dropping some pretty complicated situations on his lap.

“Yes?” he asked, leaning forward and giving his son an expectant stare of his own.

“You need to go yell at Beth,” Neddy replied, hands leaving his hips and crossing in front of his chest; once more acting older than his years. Killian privately blamed his older children for this.

“What for, may I ask?”

“She’s hogging up our bathroom. She has her own bathroom in her own room but she’s hogging ours like a jerk. She’s been in there for like an hour and I really need to pee. Bad.”

Killian’s eyebrows moved from their raised position and furrowed as he digested his son’s words.

“There’s more than one bathroom,” he said after a moment. “Can’t you use the one downstairs?”

“That one’s broken. Wes killed it two days ago, remember?” Neddy replied, voice still filled with childish annoyance. “Can you go yell at her? I really need to pee, Dad.”

Killian sighed.

“Look, if you really need to go, you can use the one in our room…just don’t make a mess. I’ll go and check on your sister. If she’s been in there as long as you say, she’s probably sick.”

Neddy didn’t even bother to give a response, he immediately sprinted down the hallway towards his parents’ bedroom with an urgency that Killian hadn’t expected considering the lack of pee dance. He shook his head and casually walked down the hallway to where the boys’ bathroom was located. Killian gave the door a tentative knock.

“Go away Neddy before I beat your face in!” Beth’s voice sounded through the wood.

Killian blinked, not expecting that response.

“Not if I have anything to say about,” he replied, frowning. “Minnow, are you okay in there? Neddy says you’ve been in there for a while.”

There was long pause and Killian shifted on his heels as he waited for a response. A sense of nervousness started to creep in as the seconds ticked by.

“Dad…” Beth’s voice called. It no longer held the same aggression as before. If anything, it sounded scared. Alarm bells went off in his head.

“Beth…” Killian tried to keep his tone calm. “Elizabeth, are you okay?”

“Daddy…” Beth cracked open the door slightly so that she could peek out at him. Her face was pale and she was looking up at him with large green eyes; looking more Neddy’s age than her eleven years. “I think I’m dying…”

Killian’s eyes went wide.

“What do you mean you’re dying? Open the door! What’s going on!?”

“No!” she said, violently shaking her head. “Don’t come in! It’s embarrassing!”

“I don’t give a damn if it’s embarrassing,” Killian replied firmly, pushing against the door. His efforts were thwarted by the old-fashioned lock chain. The door whined and the chain rattled under the force of his push but didn’t budge any farther. Beth took a step back, looking startled. Killian couldn’t tell if it was because of his cursing or by his sudden attempt to open the door. “If you’re hurt, I need to know about it.”

“No! I don’t want you to see!” Beth said firmly, face flushed as she shook her head forcefully. Beth had inherited her mother’s ivory skin and just like how it was with Emma, her face went bright red at the drop of a hat. Whatever it was going on, Killian’s daughter was very much embarrassed of it and he couldn’t possibly imagine what it was.

“What don’t you want me to see, Minnow?” Killian asked softly, tilting his head to get a better look at inside the bathroom. All he could see his daughter and an empty roll of toilet paper that had been thoughtlessly thrown on the floor. “I’m worried here. If you don’t want to show me what’s wrong, can you at least tell me so I possibly do something about it from out here?”

Beth teetered her spot by the door, leaning backwards and curling her fingers around the edge of the old beaten up sink. She bit her lip in a fashion that was similar to Emma’s when she was struggling with something; face still bright red.

“I’m bleeding,” she said after a moment. “Down there…”

She gestured quickly to the apex of her thighs and Killian’s eyes bulged comically as he suddenly realized the meaning behind her words. Without even thinking, he stepped back a few steps until his back hit the wooden rails that surrounded the stairway. His face turned its own shade of red as a sense of panic took hold. This was something he was not equipped for. This was a job for his wife, the Savior. He immediately turned around, clutching the rails like they were a lifeline and peered down at the ground floor below.

“Swan!” he yelled. “Swan! I need you! Swan!”

No response.

“Swan!” he called again. “Come on, Swan!”

“She’s not here!” Wes called from he could only assume was the living room. The boy was becoming a regular couch potato. “She said she was going to talk to Regina about unicorn blood or something I kinda don’t care about but she said she would be gone for an hour and we all know that’s a lie.”

“Shit,” Killian muttered under his breath. He ran his fingers through his hair and glanced back at the bathroom where his daughter now looked terrified. He hadn’t seen her looked this spooked since she was four years old and having dreams about her heart being stolen.

“I’m dying aren’t I, Daddy?” she asked, tears starting to brim her eyes. It hurt him to see her like this. Beth, out of all of his children, was the most fearless and rarely ever cried. Not even when she broke her arm when she was six-years old had she shed a tear.

Killian swallowed and gave his daughter smile that was meant to be reassuring but only came off as uneasy. If she had been dying, this might have been simpler for him to handle but that wasn’t the case. His daughter now had…. women’s issues and he wasn’t entirely unprepared for it. When Killian had held Beth in his arms for the first time, he had imagined reading her bedtime stories and blowing raspberries against her baby belly. He never imagined this.

“No, sweetheart,” he said. “You’re not dying. What you’re going through right now is completely and utterly normal. You’re perfectly okay.”

“But it hurts…” she replied with a whimper that made Killian hate himself a bit.

“I know, I know,” he said gently. “And we’re going to do something about it. Why don’t you change and get some toilet paper to deal with…the mess…and how about we go shopping for some supplies to make you feel better? Sounds good, aye?”

“I’m not dying?” she asked again, still looking up at him with big eyes. The flush was gone and now she was pale again, freckles standing out in stark contrast against the pallor of her cheeks.

“No,” he said. “Not dying. Just change and we’ll go to the store and I’ll do my best to explain what’s going on…Honestly, this is something your mother is better suited for, but she’s with Regina so we’re going to have to make do, love.”

“Okay,” she mumbled, moving to close the door. Killian stepped forward and placed his hand against the wood to stop her efforts.

“Hey, listen to me for a moment,” he said softly.

Beth pursed her lips briefly but then stopped, nodded and waited for him for speak.

“I just need to emphasize that what is happening right now is completely natural and you are not dying. You’re perfectly and wonderfully fine right now. Unfortunately, what’s you’re going through is a woman’s thing and I don’t have a lot of answers, but what I do know is that you’re going to be okay. Do you believe me?”

She glanced down at her feet for a moment before she responded with a small nod. Killian let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Good,” he said. “Now, get changed and we’ll go. Aye?”

“Aye.”

When she closed the door, Killian leaned back against the rails and placed his hand over his face. He sighed for a moment, rubbing his temples and laughing a bit because he couldn’t help himself. He had been woefully unprepared of this element of parenting.

Twenty minutes later, Killian was driving his daughter to Dark Star Pharmacy in what could be considered one of the most awkward and uncomfortable moments of his very long life. Beth was curled up in the passenger’s seat, wearing one of Harrison’s shirts, which were far too larger for her small frame and looked as if it were swallowing her whole. The questionable ensemble was complete with a pair of a yoga pants that Killian wasn’t sure were entirely appropriate to be worn in public at her age but considering the look of irritation on her face and his own experience of dealing with his wife while she was experiencing her courses, he knew better than to comment on her appearance. It was honestly the least of his worries as he was fumbling through the worst explanation of human anatomy in the history of the realms.

“What’s you’re going through…the blood and all that business…it’s called menstruation,” he said awkwardly after a moment.

“Menstruation,” she repeated, cocking her head to the side as if she were taking a moment to ponder the term. “But you said it’s a girl thing.”

“It is,” he confirmed with a nod, focusing on the road rather than looking at his daughter.

“Then why does it have the word ‘men’ in it?” she asked with a frown.

Killian blinked at the question.

“I…I don’t know,” he replied, wanting to shrug his shoulders. “It’s just what it’s called, but in this realm, I believe it’s often referred to as a period.”

Beth scrunched her nose, not looking at all impressed.

“Why?”

“Good question, but once again, I don’t know the reasons for the nomenclature…”

“Nomenclature?”

“That is a fancy term used to describe why people describe things the way they do. It was actually one of your brother’s SAT words for him to practice,” Killian replied, relieved to find another topic to discuss. He would much rather talk about the confusion and absurdity of SAT testing than female biology.

“I’m eleven, Dad,” Beth replied flatly. “SATs aren’t for like a million years away.”

“Right,” he chuckled. “My mistake.”

“So…this whole bleeding menstruation period whatever thing…why is it happening?” she asked, tentatively biting her lip and pulling her knees up to her chest.

Killian wanted to scold her about getting her dirty sneakers on the seat but thought better of it considering the circumstance. Beth seemed more inquisitive and compliant at the moment, but he knew if she were anything like her mother that was subject to change at a moment’s notice.

“Ummm…well,” Killian muttered awkwardly. He felt the strongest urge to scratch the back of his ear, but the curse of being one-handed meant that he had to keep his only viable hand on the wheel at all times. “It’s…it’s something that women deal with a monthly basis…so once a month it happens…and it’s kinda your body’s way of prepping and clearing out for a baby…”

Beth gave him a disgusted look, wrinkling her nose. Once more, Killian was reminded of his wife and how she looked whenever she was grossed out by something. Everyone loved to say that Beth was his baby, but her mannerisms and her iron spine were all from Emma. Sometimes he wondered if they should have named her Emma Junior, Emmalita or Emmaline rather than Elizabeth, considering how eerily similar she was to her mother at times.

“That’s gross! And stupid! I don’t want a baby,” she commented, resting her head on top of her knees.

“And you shouldn’t until you’re 35 years old and married,” Killian replied with a chuckle. “But your body doesn’t know that so it just does what it does just in case you decide you want to have a child, which is why you bleed every month. All just in case and to keep you healthy.”

“Wait! Wait! Wait!” Beth exclaimed, eyes going wide as she lifted her head up from her knees to look at him in sudden horror. “I’m going to bleed…down there…every month? Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m not kidding. For roughly five days every month until you’re older.”

“That super sucks!” she groaned.

“Aye, it does suck but that’s biology for you, Minnow…”

“Do boys go through anything like this?” Beth grumbled, glaring at him.

  
“I’m afraid not,” Killian replied ruefully. “Boys have different things going on with them, but nothing quite like what goes on with girls…I’m not sure how to describe it to you aside from it’s just different.”

“Ugh, being a girl sucks. Why couldn’t I be a boy?!” Beth mumbled, banging her chin against her knees.

“Maybe, but not all the time. If you were a boy, you probably wouldn’t have gotten the room with its own bathroom. You would probably have to share with your brothers.”

“Yeah, that’s don’t make up for it,” Beth mumbled, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Fair enough,” Killian replied with a rueful grin.

The conversation lulled there into an uncomfortable silence between father and daughter. Beth decided to spend the time drumming her fingers against her right shin and glaring out the window as if she was pissed off with the world. Killian occasionally glanced at her out of the corner of his eye to make sure she was okay, but did little more than that until he had driven them into the parking lot of the pharmacy.

Killian didn’t have much experience with feminine products. His dealings with them were generally picking up whatever brand Emma put down on the grocery list for the week and pushing past them in the medicine cabinet to get his razor. To say that he was overwhelmed with the massive number of products in the women’s health aisle was an understatement. He knew what Emma wanted, but he wasn’t necessarily certain that he wanted to purchase O.B. non-applicator tampons for his eleven-year old daughter who probably had no idea what to do with them.

Oh.

Oh shit.

A new horrifying thought entered his brain. Was he going to have teach her how to use them? The very idea made him want to be violently ill. He had a basic concept of how tampons worked but it was one thing to know how they worked, it was an entirely different thing to explain and teach his daughter how to use them. He desperately needed Emma. He couldn’t do this.

“Are you having trouble, young man?” A kind elderly woman asked him as she grabbed a package of Poise liners off the shelf next to him.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Killian responded without giving much thought, scratching at the patch of skin behind his ear.

“Well, what’s the issue?” the woman asked, raising her eyebrows at him.

“My daughter…she…she’s experiencing…ladies’ issues for the first time,” he said awkwardly. He turned to gesture to his daughter only to find she wasn’t there. He went pale for a moment, eyes frantically scanning his surroundings for where she might have gone to.

“I’m assuming your daughter is the grumpy little girl in the very large shirt over in the candy aisle,” the woman said in amusement.

“Sounds like her,” he muttered, face flushing red. “But yeah, I have no idea what to get her. This isn’t my element, I’m afraid.”

“Well, i can’t say I’m surprised. Most men avoid the subject like the plague. My husband wouldn’t ever have thought to deal with this on his own, let alone step a foot in this aisle. It’s nice to know that some fathers aren’t afraid of a little biology,” she replied. “How old is she?”

“Eleven,” Killian responded with a small smile.

“That’s a little on the young side,” the woman commented, nodding. “Normally most girls don’t experience that until they’re twelve, but it’s not unheard for some girls as young as eight to get it.”

Killian nodded, unable of what else to say to something like that. He genuinely had no real basis on the subject aside from his observations of his wife and what he had read about when it came to human anatomy.

The woman didn’t seem to be looking for a response however. Instead she was scanning the shelves that Killian had just been perusing. After a moment, she pulled a pink and blue box covered in multicolored stars and hearts off the rack and handed it to him.

“I’m not sure how familiar you are with feminine products, but these are sanitary napkins aimed at young girls like your daughter. They come with pretty self-explanatory instructions, so you shouldn’t have to do too much.”

“Thank you,” he replied, shifting in place and nodding. He looked at down at the box that read “Kotex Tween,” feeling a bit foolish. He couldn’t help but feel like the little stars and hearts were mocking him a bit for not noticing them before. He gave the woman a small smile and shook the box at her in absence of a wave. As he turned to leave, she placed a hand on his arm.

“I know this probably wasn’t the most comfortable thing for you to deal with, but I’m glad you met it head on instead of just relying on your wife to handle “women’s things.” And for that, I want you to know that I think you’re a great dad,” she said gently. “And I’m going to give you a little more advice. I don’t know your daughter but most girls are little sensitive around this time. Be gentle with her. Get her chocolate. My granddaughter loves Cadbury so I recommend that. Lots of water and some Advil help. A hot water bottle or a heating pad do wonders.”

“Thank you truly,” Killian repeated with a small smile, mentally filing away the information she had just given him. “I’ll keep all of this in mind.”

When he went to find his daughter and check out, she was still in the candy aisle and staring at the assortment of chocolates with some akin to desperation in her eyes. Upon seeing her, Killian switched the Kotex box over to balance on his left hip so he could hook his arm around Beth. He leaned over to place a kiss on the crown of her head. Beth squirmed a bit under the attention, but didn’t push him away.

“See something you like?” he asked her gently, smoothing his hand down her shoulder.

“I really, really, really want chocolate, Dad,” she muttered, looking up at him with those big green eyes of her eyes. The pitiful pleading look she gave him was complete with a small pout.

“Well, just pick whatever you like, Minnow. We can have a nibble and watch some movies,” he replied with a chuckle.

“Really? Anything I want?” she asked excitedly. For the first time since the incident began, Killian saw his daughter smile.

“Aye,” he responded, giving her another kiss on the head. “Whatever you want. I have good authority that Cadbury is a good brand to go with.”

“Cadbury,” Beth repeated. She glanced at the rack where a stack of purple chocolate bars baring the name “Cadbury” were placed and cocked her head at him. “That’s expensive though. Mom never lets me get that stuff.”

“Let me worry about that, okay?” Killian replied with a smile.

Beth tentatively reached for one of the Cadbury bars on the rack, looking at him with questioning eyes. He nodded encouragingly at her. She took one of the larger bars which had been labeled as milk chocolate. Internally, Killian cringed at her choice. While he wasn't much of a chocolate person, he did have a preference for dark chocolate over milk chocolate; the latter was too sweet for him. He preferred his confections a little on the bitter side.

"You sure you just want one bar?" he asked, nodding his head back at the variety of candy bars in front of them.

"You mean I can have more than one?" she asked, blinking.

"Of course. Though this is more of a special occasion thing, love. Don't think every time we go to the store I'm going to let you buy more than one," he said, soothing a hand through her hair.

"Cool," she grinned, grabbing another bar from the rack. This time it was a dark chocolate bar. She smiled and handed it over to him. "Now we can both have one."

"I don't need chocolate, Minnow," he said, shaking his head and placing the bar back on the rack. "It's a lovely thought but this is about you."

"Yeah but I want you to have one too,” she replied with a frown.

“I don’t need any chocolate, Beth,” he repeated.

Beth gave him a hard look, once more reminding Killian of his wife. She pursed her lips for a moment before picking up the dark chocolate bar again. This time she didn’t hand it to him.

“This is what I want,” she said firmly. “But you gotta promise on the Jolly Roger that if I get full that you’ll finish it for me.’

“You want me to promise on the Jolly Roger?” Killian repeated, eyebrows raising.

“Yup,” she replied, popping the ‘p’ and giving him a smirk that was more Jones than Swan. “And on Mom too. That’s how I know you’re serious and won’t break your promise.”

Killian couldn’t help it, he laughed; shaking his head at the absurdity of the moment.

“Alright,” he chuckled. “I swear on both on the Jolly Roger and on your mother, bless her, that I will finish your candy bar if you get full.”

The smile that he received after he finished speaking made it worth the ridiculous promise. Beth was grinning ear-to-ear, looking more like the child he knew than the grumpy little girl he had gone into the store with. She reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers and swung them merrily between them as they approached the counter and made their purchases.

Upon arrival back at the house, Killian handed the plastic bag to his daughter and gave her a gentle smile.

“Everything you need is in there, love. There’s directions on how to use…the things…I’m going to kick your brother off the couch and get you a heating pad and we’ll have a quiet afternoon. Sound alright?” Killian said gently.

Beth blinked.

“You’re kicking Wes out of the man cave?” she asked dubiously.

“It’s not a man cave, love,” Killian replied with a snort. “It’s our living room and he can’t monopolize the television forever. If anything, this is good for him. I’m starting to get worried that he’s putting down roots.”

Beth shook her head, once more giving him a doubtful look.

“Yeah, good luck with that,” she muttered under her breath as she made her way up the stairs.

As expected, Killian’s thirteen year was lazing on the couch in the living room, watching some cartoon show. His feet were swinging absently in the air and Killian was certain that there was a mark on his cheek from holding his head in the cradle of his palm for too long. His overgrown blonde hair was pulled into a haphazard bun, but Killian still could see the greasiness of it that heralded it’s unwashed state. It was quite obvious that his son had not showered the entire weekend. As he walked into the room, Wes made no move, not even a grunt in acknowledgement, but Killian wasn’t expecting any. At least, not until he took the remote laying abandoned on the couch and promptly shut the television off. The effect was immediate. Wes turned around and glared at him.

“I was watching that,” he said in annoyed tone.

“Yeah, and now you’re going to be a good lad and take a shower,” Killian replied, unimpressed with the attitude. “You reek.”

Wes promptly raised his arm and tilted his head to give himself a quick sniff. He took a moment to consider the smell and then shrugged casually.

“I’m not too bad. I’ll take one later,” he said dismissively, reaching for the remote.

Killian pulled it out of his reach.

“No,” he said firmly. “You’re taking a shower now and your sister and I are going to have a turn with the television. She’s not feeling well.”

“If she’s not feeling good then she should go to bed, sleep and not being such a whiner,” Wes responded, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You know things would be much easier if you just let us have our own televisions.”

“Not on your life,” Killian replied, frowning at him. “You would never leave your room if we did that. Though, now that I’m thinking about it, that isn’t necessarily such a bad thing.”

“Hilarious Dad,” Wes responded, rolling his eyes. “But in all seriousness, I will go take a shower and even let you have the TV for the rest of the day if you and Mom get me my own TV that I don’t have to share with anyone.”

“This isn’t a negotiation,” Killian said, narrowing his eyes at him. “I think you forget who the captain of this ship is. Go upstairs, take a shower and maybe do your homework for once. Your time with the television is done.”

“And if I don’t?” Wes asked, raising an eyebrow challengingly.

Killian gave him a mirthless smile, drawing himself to his full height and narrowing his eyes at the boy. Killian Jones, fun-loving Dad, took a seat on the bench as Captain Hook took over.

“If you don’t, then you’re grounded. No television. No phone. No computer. No Gideon. And I will make you scrub the entire deck of the Jolt by yourself. Sound like fun?”

Wes glared at him, letting out a moody huff before getting up and stomping out of the living room. Under his breath, he muttered unkind things about his father and something about “ not fair.” Killian just shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. Honestly, why had they decided to have kids again?

Killian set up the Netflix queue before going into the downstairs closet near the bathroom and pulling out Emma’s old heating pad. It hadn’t been used since Neddy was a toddler, but Killian couldn’t imagine it not still working. As he was setting it up, Beth returned downstairs. She was still wearing Harrison’s gigantic football t-shirt, but she had changed into a different pair of leggings.

“You alright?” he asked gently.

“Yeah,” she said, tugging her hair behind her ear. “I feel like I’m wearing a diaper though.”

Killian blinked, giving her a perplexed look.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing,” Killian responded, chuckling a bit. “You’re going to have to ask your mother about that.”

“Speaking of Mom, we can make her milk dud popcorn,” Beth asked, swinging the plastic bag that held the chocolate bars and giving him another pout.

“I think the chocolate is enough, love. I’m trying to make you feel better, not give you any more cavities than you already have. I may not take you to the dentist, but I’ve seen the bill,” Killian replied dryly.

Beth hopped on the couch, sighing dramatically.

“Worth a shot,” she mumbled, before turning a bit on her side to face him. “What are we watching?”

“Whatever you want to watch,” he said with a shrug. “When your mother isn’t feeling well, she loves to watch  _Princess Bride, Love Actually_  and  _She’s the Man_. I’m willing to suffer through them if that’s what you want to watch.”

Beth wrinkled her nose at him, leaning up a bit to give him an unimpressed look.

“Really? Chick flicks? Do I look like Grandma Snow to you?” she scoffed and rolled her eyes in the most teenager way possible. He had no doubt she learned that one from her brothers. “What about _Men in Black_? Or  _Mad Max_? Or  _the Terminator_?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re too young for any of those movies,” Killian remarked, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, but I love them! Especially  _the Terminator_! Arnold is like bigger than Har and super awesome!” Beth responded before lowering her voice to make one of the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions that Killian had ever head. “Come with me if you want to live!”

“Alright,” he chuckled, settling down next to her and kissing her hair. “We can watch the Terminator, but you have to swear on the Jolly Roger that you won’t tell your mother about this.”

Beth snorted.

“I swear on the Jolly Roger that I won’t tell Mom about this,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “Not that matters because you’re going to totally tell her anyway.”

“Perhaps,” Killian remarked as he reached over to grab the remote and searched for their feature film on the Netflix queue. “But that’s up to me. Now hush and let’s watch your movie.”


End file.
